No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Terrible idea I love it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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