Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
