new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
How naked do you want me to be?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
