In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Randomize
