My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize