Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
