I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
