you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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