in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
