Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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