I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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