What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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