Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
