The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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