You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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