Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
