peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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