Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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