This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
