There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
