i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
