Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
