nut hugger
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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