so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
