My hand turned me down
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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