youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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