I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize