We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
