Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
