Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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