I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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