My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Boobs speak an international language.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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