Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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