so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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