Where did you get a picture of my penis
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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