I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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