So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
