i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
