I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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