just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
