he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
