I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
