Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
