I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
