Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
