Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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