Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
