so explain again why im purple
no
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
