Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
