she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize