I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
