Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
