Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
