She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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