i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
