dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
