i permit you to call me
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
