I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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