I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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