I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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