They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
