I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
