i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
