So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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